We got out the clippers today. I'd been prepping my 5 year old for a couple of weeks now, not sure how he would react. He just jumped up on his little stool, grabbed the scissors and started hacking away. When he'd done all the damage he felt he could do with the scissors, Neil showed him how to use the clippers. I think he got quite a bit of it himself, but Neil finished it up. When it was all off and on the floor, Elijah said, "Mom, you look really cute!" Adorable little liar, isn't he? I've always felt that honesty was highly overrated. I'm glad to see Elijah is picking up on some of my philosophies of life.
I've had a lot of people tell me that they are impressed with my attitude and how well I'm dealing with this whole situation. I should probably try to clear this one up. I don't think the way I'm handling this is at all admirable. I don't think it has much to do with attitude at all. I think it is sheer denial. I have this little dark broom closet in the back of my head where I shove everything that scares me. We all have one. It's where we stick thoughts about what we would do if some pervert grabbed our kid on the way home from school or what would happen if an elderly parent who is living alone was hurt and unable to get help. Our broom closets are filled with things like, "What if my spouse/child/parent/sibling dies in an accident, or loses his job?" Or "What if my kid ends up being a drug addict or a felon?" That sort of stuff. Well, needless to say, my broom closet is getting a little crowded. It's packed to the gills with little tidbits of information that I've come across in the last several weeks. Things like the fact that Breast Cancer is potentially fatal or that some forms of chemotherapy can cause heart problems or leukemia later in life or even the fact that the chemicals that they are pumping into my veins are so toxic, if the nursing staff get them on their clothing, they have to be thrown into the hazardous waste bins and destroyed. Yup, I don't think it will be too long before I'm going to have to add another wing to my little broom closet. So it has nothing to do with a good attitude or bravery. I'm just really good at burying things I don't want to think about.
And another thing. When we first got the Cancer diagnosis, Neil asked me, "So what do you think we're supposed to learn this time around that we didn't learn with the first two medical crises of our marriage?" Being someone who believes that there is a grand plan for us, I really believe that things like this happen to people for a reason. I'm not going to presume to think that I know what the reasons are. Ever. But in my particular case, I have a suspicion that it may have something to do with the Lord "encouraging" me to be a little more humble and reliant on Him. The problem is that it's not working. This is the third time He's tried and I'm just as mad as ever at this whole situation. This morning I stormed out of the house with a couple of terse remarks to my husband and he said, "What are you mad at?" I didn't answer him, but this is what I was screaming in my head: "I AM ANGRY AT SO MANY THINGS RIGHT NOW I COULDN'T EVEN BEGIN TO COUNT THEM LET ALONE EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT THEY ARE!!!!!!"
So there it is. I'm not brave, don't have a good attitude, and am not humbly submitting to the will of the Lord. The scary thing is, I think I better figure out how to do either one or all of these things because when you already have a track record like ours (2004, Chiari Malformation; 2009, Dermatomyositis; 2010, Breast Cancer), whatever the next thing coming down the pike is is probably going to be a little terrifying.
I'm going to have to figure out some way NOT to lock that one away in my broom closet.
4 comments:
I must "respectfully" disagree with you Marie! Your explanation of the "Broom Closet" in your head was the best one I've ever heard for something that most all of us won't even think about long enough to even label! Most of us won't even acknowledge those dark, scary, thoughts long enough to try and identify how we're dealing with, or NOT dealing with them. Just the fact that you've acknowledged those fears has given me courage to face some of them myself! And....when my brother had cancer, he, too, opted for the "shaving" party. Said it was much less de-moralizing for him. And after his first chemo round, his hair came back in dark brown, where it had been dark blonde; then after his second round, it came back in curly. My sister's hair also came back in curly after her chemo. So....that's another for your list of good things---your hair will be a surprise!
Yvonne
Sorry this is Barbara
When I had my shaving party we did a chat with a web cam for all my kids. Even Laurel in Mx joined it. I also invited Pam knowing that she would soon be going through the same thing. I thought maybe it would help her kids to understand that she wasn't the only one. We took pictures and I modeled hats and scarves ect. It helped me get through it.
Good luck and keep up the stiff upper lip.
Marie - please keep up the blog - I think when you're done, this is good book material. You are making this experience entertaining & squeezing my heart at the same time. I wish, I wish my magic wand would wipe this all away. It's Thanksgiving today - I thank you for being you. You don't have to be strong everyday - we don't expect it. Pity parties have their place & getting MAD is good. It means you can still "feel". Mad will Kick Ass - apathy would be the enemy. KICK IT'S ASS!! ( I think of you every time I pass a KIA car). KIA KIA!!!
Thank you for sharing your scared feelings a bit. It helps me understand better what you are really going through. I am praying for you even harder right now. Please learn what you need to fast and hopefully the rest of us will learn what we need to from you quickly also. I don't like having my friend hurt so much! Heavenly Father loves you and so do I!
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