I'm not dying!

Friday was my third chemo treatment. Went up early for blood work. They have to make sure your white blood cell count has recovered sufficiently before they kill it off again. I forgot to use the numbing agent over the port so I made them put an IV in my arm. There was no way I was going to experience the whole spike-in-your-heart thing again without some kind of drug to take the edge off it.

After labs were drawn I met with one of my nurses and my oncologist to talk with them about my progress and any side effects I was experiencing from either the anti-nausea meds or the chemo itself. I must have convinced them that I didn't need as much anti-nausea meds as they'd initially given me because they agreed to let me cut them in half almost. So we'll see how this week goes. I'm hoping to alleviate some of the side affects of those drugs without still getting sick.

My oncologist also did a physical exam and both she and the nurse said they felt the tumor had significantly reduced in size. And that was just after 2 chemo treatments. I really thought it had too, but wanted to hear them say it before I mentioned it. It really was big before treatment. Now I can barely find it.

We also discussed the date of my next chemo treatment. My schedule would put it on Christmas Eve. I'm going home to my parents over Christmas so that wasn't going to work. I was debating on whether or not to schedule it a little earlier before Christmas, or a little later after Christmas. The problem is in the first week of my chemo cycle, I'm dealing with all the chemo/anti-nausea meds junk and on the second week of my cycle I'm dealing with the a flare of the Dermatomyositis symptoms because all the steroids have begun to leave my system. So, I was trying to figure out which I'd rather spend Christmas with: Chemo or Dermatomyositis. It's a toss up. I went back and forth several times before I just decided to schedule it on the 22nd. So my family will see me in all my chemo glory. Oh well, at least my kids will be able to play with all their cousins while I'm passed out on the couch.

I've learned a little something this week. I think that many people almost immediately associate the word Cancer with death. I've gotten a couple of odd comments from people. One friend I was whining to about being so cranky all the time said, "You have every right to be cranky. You're fighting for your life!" I wasn't sure what to say to that. Another friend made a comment that it made him so sad to think about young children losing their mother. It's just been really interesting. For me, death has never really been part of the equation here. At least not consciously. Shoved that one back in the old broom closet really fast. Of course, it has been easy to ignore because my doctors have given me no reason to believe this could end my life. At least not in the very near future.

They never could stage my Cancer because I opted to do Chemo prior to surgery. They can't stage it until they go right in with surgery after diagnosis to see if it has gone into the lymph nodes. So they will never really know what stage my Cancer was before treatment. But, because of the countless other tests that I've undergone since I was diagnosed, I know that it is not in my bones or my lungs. That's definitely a good sign that it hasn't spread. I guess for some reason I'm one of the lucky ones. So since the possibility of death hasn't been to much of an issue here--except right after diagnosis. I have to admit that the night after we found out I sat Neil down and told him exactly what he could and couldn't do with my life insurance money.  Anyway, since death hasn't ever been a real present thought, it's odd to hear friends and family make comments that that is something that they are concerned about for me.

So if anyone is really worried about that for me, I hope I can set your mind at ease. I'm not dying. At least not any time soon. And if Breast Cancer does end up killing me, I'm at least pretty certain that it won't be this time around. This is just a really big, fat, annoying bump in the road. Nothing more.